Traffic Camera

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail’s pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

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Qualities Your Mate Should Have

Here is a short list of qualities every man should look for in a mate:

  • Has to be good at video games (maybe not all of them, but a good amount)
  • Doesn’t care if room is messy
  • Living in an aquatic city has to be a possibility
  • Good at cards, but not too good
  • Doesn’t have a beard, but if she does, then it has to be temporary
  • Likes chili
  • Good at kites
  • Knowledge about robots and time travel is a plus, but isn’t a necessity
  • Won’t yell at you
  • Doesn’t have club feet, but if she does, has to be able to hit a baseball with them
  • Doesn’t get drunk, puke, and make you clean it up with your beach towel
  • Won’t slap you in the mouth
  • Will be your mate till one of you dies
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Three-Legged Race

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.

He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.
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The Cab Drivers Goes To Heaven

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher’s entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, “Okay, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”
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Pa Won’t Like It

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted.
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